dip's diary

dip's diary

shorts are just short pants


sometimes i one strap my backpack but then i remember in 21 jumpstreet where they make fun of him for doing that and i get self conscious




my forehead feels extra big today


feet are just hands on your bottom


you're doing your best and that's all that matters


i like the way snoring sounds


can you imagine if you just accidentally forgot to put your pants on one day and you walked outside in the world


the thing about chocolate covered waffle cones is that you really have to commit


i will never forget the first time i bought a thong and my mom and aunt found the pink bag and they laughed at me so hard they couldn't breathe


how do orgies end. how do they decide


my mom is literally ghosting me 


“whatever leads to joy….to more life and less worry” - my dead friends, marie howe


what if we called dogs hot instead of cute or adorable


who am i to know


kinesin is definitely my favorite protein. it be so cute when it's walking along. love u kinesin.


i think celery is gonna be my new vibe” - stephen


i have had one female pet my whole life she was a cat named mary and i was so scared of her we had to give her away to a farm omg im so sorry mary



you don't understand me or god or my stuffed animals



it would be nice to invent a cat basketball court. catnip filled basketball and a scratching post hoop.


you can't just shart yourself in public and not have a plan of action or it’s just gonna be bad -stephen


what if dinosaurs meowed


i feel like a rucksack of potatoes


i hate using the first stall closest to the door. just feels a little too close to public urination


food fight except for instead of any food it’s just mustard


going on a double date with a ham and cheese sandwich


so there i was painters tape on my titties


disco is what’s important


if i can't remember it it didn't happen


is there really no mainstream market for private goat yoga?


friday was nice, and we were friends -crusoe in england


fired for hackysacking


so help me god i will turn this haunted house into a haunted home


ubers are my confessional


writing poetry is simultaneously the most calming and chaotic thing i have ever experienced


you’re telling me a cream made this cheese?


thursday is just secret friday 


dr oz gave me courage


what is shreks full name was shrekethon


sequence is just a sexier way to say pattern


just found out my dad used to put his pizza crust in his shirt pocket….feeling inspired


the world is a themed birthday party


lil yatchy writing act up is literally the equivalent of beethoven writing symphony number 5


i have been thinking that i want to use more ampersands


we as a species need to bring back the monocle


i love how chipmunks scurry. like they’re afraid of something.


don't forget to have fun


halloween leaves no one behind


why do we itch like how does that happen


you will create again


I think about sandwiches so much 


i used to think juicy juice was called arthur juice


with hummus and friends, what could go wrong? 


My skin is made of a shell

And my insides are entirely chocolate

I am an m&m fairy


i'm always bigger than a fish


when i was like 5 years old i used to pray to satan and ask him to be a better person 


i feel like a water bed of flesh


up late thinking about the time i was in 4th grade and i told a bunch of girls in my class that i wrote threw it on the ground from snl


“What do you think other girls do?”

“idon't know but i like what we do”


what do you think the resting heart rate of a snail is


the only difference between a skip and a frolic is the amount of joy you put into it


i would like to live on an island where everyone drinks orange soda


fun fact: q tips were called baby gays when they were first invented


accidentally spelled the word ocean as otion


i used to really fuck with flo rida


i love when spilled gas does the little rainbow thing


everything is running around inside me


the good thing about winter is that you don't have to worry about looking for motorcycles


a thing that really is a genuine real life fear of mine is that people will stop being my friend if they saw what i looked like upside down


do they make wavy pringles? They should



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